No Homo
by AberrantScript
Summary: Lincoln has his eyes set on his sisters, but he doesn't know what to do when it comes to the birds and the bees. So, his dad teaches him what he needs to know. A crackfic dedicated to Flagg1991.


**Author's Notes:**

Happy early birthday, Flaggette~! :D

I have _never_ written a romance story between two guys before. I had a strict policy against it. It's no offense to anyone that's into that stuff; but it's something I've never been comfortable with writing. But Flagg asked me to try my hand at it, and I couldn't say no to him~

Sigh... my writing depends greatly on my ability to imagine it happening, and as you can imagine I couldn't do that easily, so I'm afraid the quality here is poor compared to my other stuff. But I hope I made up for it with the outlandish humor!

Dear flamer, if you clicked on this story just to complain about the gross, disgusting content herein, and claim that I can't write anything worth any value... then, please hit the 'back' button and scroll down until you see _Reeling in the Years_ by Flagg or _A Woman After My Own Heart_ by me; two stories with _no incest whatsoever_ that are good in quality and tackle new and interesting concepts in this fandom. Trust me, Flagg and I would really appreciate feedback on those stories because they really are unprecedented here.

Disclaimer: _The Loud House_ Copyright Nickelodeon (2017)

* * *

NO HOMO

It was a grand old Saturday afternoon as father and son took to the backyard for a game of pass.

 _Thunk_.

Lincoln caught the ball and returned it, overhanded.

 _Thunk_.

Dad received it and tossed it back.

"So, how ya been, son?"

 _Thunk_.

"Oh, you know, just hanging."

Leni and Lori were outside with them, sunbathing on their stomachs. The microscopic strings to their bikini tops were undone. They didn't like tan lines~

 _Thunk_.

"Hey, son?"

Dad had this weird twinkle in his eyes that kinda threw Lincoln off his game for a second.

 _Thunk_.

"Yeah?"

Oh, dad was up to something with that smirk in his face… Lincoln found it mildly exciting. He liked it when dad had something good up his sleeves~

 _Thunk_.

"Do you have any girls you're interesting in?"

Lincoln gulped as he caught the ball, and he paused. What was dad getting at? Should he be honest?

"Uh, y-yeah."

 _Thunk_.

"Why are you so nervous, son? It's normal to be interested in girls at your age. Even if she has a dick. I won't judge~"

Lincoln's cheeks blushed.

"U-uh, no, she has normal girl parts, dad. Trust me."

 _Thunk_.

Dad was smirking even wider as he rolled that baseball around in his hand.

"And how would you know that… did you peek at her at school?"

Lincoln gulped, beginning to sweat.

At that very moment, Lori and Leni flipped over to get some rays on their front, and they laid their bras aside.

Lincoln jumped when he felt a hand rest on his shoulder.

"They're perfect, ain't they?"

He blinked as he stared at two sets of pink nipples, fair and creamy skin wholly unblemished, and two plump globes of silky-smooth flesh.

"Yeah, they are."

Dad leaned down to whisper in his son's ear, his eyes never leaving his semi-nude daughters' bodies.

"Are they the girls?"

Lincoln gasped but couldn't look away.

Leni _was_ the girl, and he didn't mean to but he _did_ see her walk out of the bathroom, completely naked, because she'd only taken one towel with her and absolutely couldn't risk letting her hair getting messed up. For five seconds he saw her in all of her splendid sex goddess glory… and he couldn't look at Ronnie Anne, Christina, Paige, or anyone else the same way again.

"Yeah, they are."

Dad's hungry eyes looked at Lori appreciatively.

"Lori looks just like your mother did when we conceived her. You know that, son? We were in the back of my mom's car, at the drive-in, and got bored of the movie. Nine months later, we're holding an angel in our arms."

Lincoln was breathing shakily as Luna stepped outside and walked over without anything on her body. She nudged Leni with her foot to scoot over, and then she sat down and hummed a soft melody as she and Leni slowly inched together and began spooning.

"So, son, in a completely hypothetical sense, which one would you do?"

Lincoln choked. "W-what?"

Dad laughed. "I know it's a tough choice. I know I'd pick them _all_ if I could. But narrow it down to just one, son."

They watched as Lori suddenly stood up and undid her bottoms, giving them a perfect view of her divine ass.

Dad smiled toothily.

"I'd fuck Lori, myself. I'm a sucker for fine asses, and they don't get any better than Rita or Lori's." He turned to his son with a warm smile. "Which one would you take, right here and now, if you could? Consequences be damned."

Lincoln thought long and hard, but as he saw Luna and Leni practically playing on top of each other, he couldn't honestly pick between them. Lori was hot, yeah, and Luan and Lynn had their own moments, too.

But Leni and Luna made him go _nngh~!_ and wet his boxers in a thick and creamy way.

Dad caught on quick.

"Ah, gaycest sisters make it really hard to choose. I understand son. So, how would you do them?"

Lincoln's cheeks were tinging pink, his pants getting a little tighter.

That baseball fell to the ground, lonely and forgotten.

"I-I'd trick Leni into sitting on the inflatable donut and swim under her and…"

Dad's breath was getting a bitter thicker. He was getting a little excited, too.

"I-I'd take her bikini bottoms off and pull her legs through the bottom and wrap my arms around her…"

Dad licked his lips as he listened to his son.

"And, and then, I'm not sure."

Lincoln's blush was now of shame.

"I'm not sure what to do after that."

Dad turned to him curiously.

"Do you need some tips or ideas? I mean, raping a sister that's barely smart enough to give consent is _hot_ and I definitely approve, so I want to make sure you're fully prepared to go through with it."

Lincoln sighed, feeling his face burn hotter.

"N-no… I'm not really sure how _sex_ works."

Dad clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. His son was only eleven. How stupid of him! Parents were taught to teach their kids how to rape their sisters at _thirteen_. He felt ridiculous that it'd slipped his mind, but no worries! He'd fix it all better~

He clapped his son on the shoulder.

"Well, let's go inside and have a talk, son."

"A-a talk?"

Dad laughed.

"Yeah, about the birds and bees, the stork, scarlet women, your sisters… just everything. No holds barred."

Lincoln gulped as he followed his dad through the house and into the master bedroom.

They sat down on the bed and looked around the room a tad uncomfortable.

Dad smiled first.

"So, the first thing you need to know is that your cock goes inside a pussy, blows its load, and that's how babies are made."

Lincoln was wide-eyed as dad got out his phone and scrolled through some pictures of his mom.

He got a close up image of mom bent over the bed, her fingers holding her vagina open.

Next was an image of white ooze spilling out with a caption reading, "#12 on the way!"

"Oh! But it works much better if the girl is wet for you. Trust me. If you're gonna rape one, then you need to take some lube with you. If you're going to seduce one, then make sure you tease them a real long time and do whatever they say makes them excited."

"O-ok, b-but uh h-how will I know what to do?"

Dad hummed. "That's a good question."

When he asked his own father that question the response was a plain "Fuck off," but he wanted to be a better dad to Lincoln than that.

That's when a brilliant idea came to his mind!

"What about your sisters?"

Lincoln's mouth fell open.

"Wh-what about them?"

Dad smiled evilly.

"Why don't you practice on their cunts until you're ready to find a wife?"

Lincoln gasped in outrage at first… but honestly, that sounded damn nice!

Then, dad stood up and walked over to the closet where he pulled out a trunk.

"So, which one do you wanna fuck first? Leni? Luna? Oooooh… maybe it's Lily? You're an ass-man like me, ain't ya? Trust me, Lily's packing some serious heat in that diaper of hers~"

Lincoln was red-faced but grinning as he instantly conjured an image of the sexiest woman on planet earth.

" _Leni~_ "

He was a lovesick, breathless mess, and that made dad chuckle as he pulled out an aquamarine shirt, some shades, and a blonde wig.

"Wow, you've got it bad for her, don't you, bud?"

" _Yeah~_ "

Dad laughed as he slipped his clothes off, put on the shirt and wig, and placed the glasses on the very top.

"Welp, we're ready to get started!"

Lincoln blinked and then started choking.

His dad was completely naked from the waist down…

Oh, God, was he _ugly!_

Is that what he was going to grow up to look like!? Is that what _all_ men looked like!?

"Uh, dad?"

Dad just ignored him as he crawled onto the bed and laid down against the pillows, spreading his legs wide.

"Alright, son. I don't technically have Leni's pussy, but we'll just have to make do."

Lincoln looked down at his dad's… his dad's… oh, God, he couldn't even _think_ the word for it, it was literally that disgusting.

"There's no fucking way I'm putting my wiener in _that_."

Dad sighed.

"Look, I'm not happy about this either. But you need to practice on _something_ before you go for the girls you really want. Would you rather I bring Lily in here instead?"

Lincoln thought about it.

And thought about it.

And thought some more about it.

Lily had a pussy.

But that pussy was kinda small.

Though people went to jail all the time for raping babies, so it was _possible_ , right?

Plus, his dad was giving him permission, so he couldn't go to jail, right?

That basically counted for consent.

But did he really want to risk Lily… having an accident… on him while he's raping her?

No. No, he did not.

He couldn't understand what was wrong with those sick freaks that have sex with babies because _hello!_ one wrong move and they're suddenly singing the fucking Klondike Bars theme song with a vengeful smile.

Babies were some really messed up freaks.

He shook his head and crawled in between his dad's legs.

Dad smiled.

"Great choice, son! Now, just look at the shirt and the hair."

Dad got out his phone and clicked on a video he took of Leni masturbating with a wooden spoon in the kitchen.

As her moans filled the room, and his eyes focused on everything but dad's face and big, hairy junk down there, he was filled with desire and contentment.

"Ok, son, take this lube and put it on your cock."

Lincoln did as he said, and then pressed forward.

Gosh, you really _could_ imagine it as a pussy if you tried hard enough.

Yeah, for a few seconds, all Lincoln could imagine was the stuff of horror that the writer was far too squeamish and weak to even begin to describe in microscopic detail… sigh.

But as he pulled back and shoved a few more inches into that tight space, he could feel something happening.

Leni let out a particularly loud cry from the phone, and that made Lincoln push in to the hilt.

He heard a manly groan, but paid it no mind as he pulled back out and crammed himself inside.

Leni screamed in pleasure when Lincoln reached as far as he could go.

God, that felt good, raping this hole with his big cock~

He pulled back and shoved himself back in, feeling the walls squeeze him tightly.

The more times Leni screamed in pleasure, the longer he held onto that blue-greenish shirt for support, the more he forget this was one fat ass man he was fucking…

He closed his eyes as his cock began throbbing uncontrollably.

"D-d-dad?"

Dad groaned as his son's thrusts into his tight hole were growing hurried.

"Y-y-yeah?"

Lincoln felt a painful twinge in his loins. Something was happening…

"I-I feel funny… what do I do?"

Dad gasped as Lincoln hit that perfect spot~

"D-don't pull out. _Never pull out_. Even if she begs you and tells you she ain't on the pill, you never pull out until you've cum inside her, Lincoln. Now, make me take it!"

Lincoln growled as he fisted that shirt in his hands.

"Oh, you'll take it, _bitch!_ "

Leni's cries were escalating toward orgasm, and she began whimpering for things.

" _Ah- yes, yes, yes! Please, gosh, Lincy!_ "

That cinched it for him.

He pushed in to the hilt and splooged over and over again, pumping hot gay boy cum into his writhing dad.

When he was done, he pulled out and fell onto his back.

Dad chuckled and threw his hands in the air.

"And that, my son, is how you rape a girl!"

They raised their fists and bumped them together.

Lincoln turned to his dad.

"No homo?"

Dad smiled crookedly, his eyes already looking out the window toward the orgy Lori, Leni, and Luna were having in the backyard… and Luan just dogpiled them with her sexy, nude body.

" _Definitely_ no homo~"


End file.
